Loss of 3 Beloved Children in a 5 year Time Span!
My name is Kim and I am honored to be the mother of 4 amazing children: our oldest son Ryan, second son, Jordan, daughter Mila and our youngest son, Hayden.
Our first born son Ryan came into our lives when we were very young. He truly gave us meaning in life and encouraged us to do better and be better people. We basically grew up together and we were truly blessed with such a great son.
My husband Bob and I have known each other since fourth grade! He works in a Thermal Steel Mill, and I have been in the medical field for almost 20 years, specifically working in pediatrics. My husband is honestly one of the calmest people I know! He is so sweet and caring, and always puts his family first. Later on in life, we tried again for more kids and had a bit of a hard time. My husband, Bob had a brain aneurysm at the age of 30…life had thrown us a curve. My husband battled surgeries, physical therapy, occupational therapy, and a tracheostomy in his throat, and had to relearn how to do certain things. Two years of fighting and he had defied the odds!
A few months later we found out we were pregnant with our son Jordan. At his 20-week scan in 2018, we learned that he had a congenital heart defect. Life had thrown us another curve! We went to weekly scans to see the progress of Jordan’s health and try to figure out a plan with specialists. After 3 other opinions, we decided that heart surgery would be the best choice. Jordan was born on 5/3/2018. My gosh, he was beautiful and I felt that he was “special”. Jordan had open heart surgery at 7 days old…and that is where we faced another battle. Jordan’s surgery went great, but his recovery came with so many other issues we didn’t expect. Jordan ended up having to get a tracheostomy and a G-tube. He developed pulmonary hypertension and was put on a ventilator to help him breathe. He became vent-dependent. After a month of no progress or plan, we transferred hospitals.
There were many up-and-down moments, but we got to see and learn our son’s personality. Jordan always had a smile on his face, no matter what battle he faced that day. His little tongue would stick out and his eyes would just light up the room. He had big brown eyes and he was a huge fan of watching movies and being nosey…lol. Sadly, after 5 months and 6 days…his little body had been through too much and the doctors told us it wasn’t looking good. Jordan had spent his entire life in a hospital bed. We saved him from more pain and ended the fight for him. That was 10/9/2018, one of the worst days of our lives…one of many. Bob and I had promised each other from the start that we would be Jordan’s voice and make sure his quality of life came first.
Bob holding Jordan
A few months later we found out we were pregnant with our rainbow baby! We found out it was a little girl, and we named her Mila Jordan. One Friday evening, I didn’t feel her as I normally did. We said if we didn’t feel her as much, we would go to the hospital in the morning. The next morning, we went to the hospital and found out that Mila no longer had a heartbeat. On 9/29/2019 at 36 weeks, our daughter was stillborn, her cord was wrapped around her neck and also had a knot in it.
Milo Shepper
Mila was so beautiful you almost got lost when staring at her. I felt like Jordan had taught us strength and she taught us the true meaning of beauty. She had a little bit of hair that was silk to the touch, and she was an active little bean during those 36 weeks. Seeing pictures of her now, she looks like our youngest son, Hayden. I imagine she would be a little sassy one, too. Losing two kids in 11 months was devastating. We tried to stay strong to make them proud and stay strong for Ryan. We decided to try for one more child. Talk about FEAR! Our son Hayden was born on 12/2/2021. It was such a help for our broken hearts. We got to see Ryan be the best big brother too!
Our oldest son, Ryan was ‘an old soul” and very sweet. He came right around the time my grandmother passed away and he was such a huge comfort to our family. His laugh was so contagious, and he gave the best hugs, the ones where he would squeeze you tighter and bring his face to yours. After graduating from high school, he went into the Tool and Dye trade. He had just bought his own car by himself and was becoming such a great and responsible adult. He had so many friends, but his best friend was his Papa (my Dad) from a very young age. Ryan loved music and tattoos.
His group of friends were good people also who you knew meant well in the world like Ryan did. He was the son you wanted to have and the one you are proud to brag about…especially having him so young. He turned out so great and was such a huge light in our life. He had his battles with anxiety and depression when losing his two siblings, but when Hayden was born you got to see that sweet side of Ryan again. He was such a great big brother, and it is such a blessing to see pictures of them together. After being an only child for almost 14 years of his life and not really being able to be the big brother he wanted to be with Jordan and Mila, he fit the big brother role perfectly.
Ryan Shepper
Monday, 9/18/2023 I get a phone call at work. Our oldest son Ryan was in a car accident and was life-flighted to the hospital. He had been in a head-on collision; in the car, he was so proud to buy all by himself 3 months earlier. They had to use the jaws of life to get him out. I screamed in my office “I can’t bury another child”. When we arrived at the hospital, I already knew he was gone. They kept his body alive on machines, but his beautiful soul was taken by the angels. He was 20 years old. Ryan was an organ donor and was able to save the lives of two men.
The hospital had a walk of honor before he went to surgery to donate his organs and we are forever proud of that and grateful for all who supported Ryan. So many people showed up to Ryan’s service, but the thing that struck us the most is that 6 people have gotten a memorial tattoo for him and one of his friends named their son after Ryan. It was just one of many things to show how great Ryan was and what a great impact he left on his loved ones. We have lost our 3 oldest children in a 5 year span. Their loss anniversary dates are 10 days apart and each has a 9 in their passing date.
Our youngest and only living son, Hayden is now 2 and being raised as “an only child” although he is not and we talk about his siblings daily. He is very active and gets into everything. I see all 3 of them in Hayden. He even stops to just stare at nothing sometimes and we know they are there to watch over him. I imagine what the house would be like with all 4 of them. Losing the older 3 does cause Bob and me to fear little things or make something like a cough a bigger deal because we have PTSD and fear losing another child. I wonder if Hayden was sent to keep us busy because he definitely keeps us distracted from the heartache sometimes. He has big hazel eyes and dimples that make you smile when he smiles.
Hayden Shepper
All 4 of the kids taught us something different. Ryan taught us how to be good people and made us the adults we are, Jordan was strength, Mila was true beauty, and Hayden is to enjoy life after many storms.
Grief is truly the hardest thing to battle in life. It comes from the most amazing form of love. Thank you for letting us share their stories!! We are so honored to be their parents! Bob and I have really coped by being best friends for each other. We rescued a dog named Sky who has been a huge help, along with therapy. I found comfort in meeting with my priest at our church every few weeks at Grief Share and making an Instagram account to meet other people dealing with grief. I have tried to read a few books on how to change my mindset but feel better talking to other parents who have experienced loss. I think creating a relationship with someone who really understands this type of loss is key.
Our youngest and only living son also helps with the pain sometimes. He is missing his 3 siblings that he won’t be able to grow up with and make memories with either, so it’s hard from that aspect, too. Grief makes people uncomfortable, and you need to be able to talk about it and talk about your loved one. There are so many images that grief leaves in my mind. Jordan’s casket being lowered to the ground and photos of Ryan’s car after the accident. Facing those things is very difficult but does help in the process of grieving. You have to face the reality of what they battled. Knowing that all 3 of my kids are FREE of pain helps us cope with the pain of grief, too. I feel like we took their pain.
ABOUT KIMBERLY SHEPPER:
We chose to move forward to make our angels proud as they look over us. We will keep their memories alive and do good deeds in their honor. Life can change in a heartbeat and tell your loved ones how much they mean to you everyday. This will never be an easy journey, but they are worth every tear.